Point and Shoot

I need a rant... I need to rant to Martin because he always understands... But he's not here, he's in Welsh land... So I'm gonna rant here.

And I'm not sorry.

Firstly... I'm fed up with "couldn't care less" attitudes - attitudes where people cannot be arsed to do the minimum amount of work unless asked and even then with huffing and puffing.

I'm fed up with being made to feel left out... unloved... and it feels like they think I'm deserving of it (which I don't think I am). I've been ousted all my life - doesn't make it any easier, but it makes it easier to spot. (This happened 2 years ago too... Watch as it will unfold veeeery similarly)....

23.3.07 00:36, comment

Love vs RADA

I hate this... I hate not being able to see him when I want to... I hate RADA because of it... I hate that RADA is what brought us together but it's also what's going to test us and our faith in each other. I love him, god, I love him... It's just difficult because I can't see him when I want to... and our timetables work against each other... and it's going to be even harder when he goes off on secondment.

I hate that we have to be sensible (well, he's sensible, I'm never the sensible one!) and I hate seeing that the future is probably going to be a struggle. I'm preparing myself for the struggle and I'm willing to fight... wanting so badly to make this work because he's so worth it.

I'm scared that when he finishes RADA, he'll be snapped up and whisked away on tour and I'll hurt so much without him, but he'll be having too much fun to hurt without me.

I love that he has somehow intertwind with songs that I have never associated with anything, anyone... and somehow, when I listen to them, I think of him...

I'm sad because there's a part of me that knows he'll never love me quite as much as he loved Kate, but maybe one day he will. I love that he wants to see me as much as I want to see him... it suprises me every time. I love how comfortable I am with him and I love seeing my shyness and low self-esteem slowly fading. I love feeling like a kid again... and being silly, throwing snowballs, kicking dried leaves in the street, skidding on ice, making him laugh at my silly-ness... I'm silly again... I've not been silly for a long time and I've never really known why... I'm finding me again, I think.

24.1.07 23:06, comment

I'm Scared, So Afraid To Show I Care

I'm scared now. I'm falling too deep... it's too much and it's one way. Martin doesn't want to settle down yet and I'm getting pretty settled with things. I don't want a relationship inside RADA but I want to have him to myself... I don't want to think that he's sleeping with other girls. I'm not going to sleep with anyone else... I can't... I think I've fallen for him... I find myself almost saying "I love you" to him when he's lying in my arms, or when he looks at me like he does when I know he's going to kiss me, or when I nuzzle my head on his shoulder knowing he'll kiss my forehead, or when he tells me he misses me, or when we fall asleep and I wake up seconds after he does all bleary eyed, somehow still in his arms and I look at him and smile a goofy smile, makeup smudged, hair disheveled, looking terrible, and then he kisses me and smiles his goofy-morning smile...

I should just walk away, shouldn't I? Save myself getting hurt... But I can't walk away... he's got me, hook line and sinker... All he has to do is reel me in, but he's not going to... I should just let him do the running... keep it chilled... But as we all know, that's just not how I do things... I will try...

So yet again, on goes the Celine Dion and Barbara Striesand song "Tell Him"...

25.12.06 22:38, comment

He Makes Me Smile

So, yeh... Things are pretty great. At RADA right now on my lunch break.

Martin and I broke up... I don't think I've even mentioned him on here... have I?! Anyway, we ended up going out for a grand total of 2 weeks and realised that a relationship wasn't what either of us wanted. I think if we give it time, it might work, but right now, I've just got over Ian (although I do still miss him) and he's just come out of a relationship. We had a lush day the day we broke up... Met up at Covent Garden, wondered round there, went to my fave place in London, talked and agreed to break up. Then he took me to dinner at the gourmet pizza place on embankment (paid!). Then we went wandering around London... Back to Covent Garden where we sat and watched a busker play, I drank mulled wine... it was very romantic... heart warming, then went for a ride on the carosel... very random, much fun though!! Wandered aimlessly around London singing songs and talking. Ended up at Ben Crouches Tavern, talked for ages over a pint of diet pepsi, wandered on down Oxford Street, saw the lights, strolled down to Regents Street, (Martin: "All we need is snow, and we'd be in a movie!", went to the Trocadero where he whooped my ass at the Dance Machine, I kicked his butt at air hockey and racing cars... however, he (I admit this with great shame) he beat me by miles on the horse racing thing...!! That boy has never sat on a horse before, I've been riding for 10 years lol!!

Anyways, it's all cool between us... I've made a good friend in him. He makes me smile.

So at RADA with him is cool... good friends... a bit cuddly which is nice.

Me and Nat are going to see The Double Dealer tonight... opening night - the show Martin's DSM-ing on. Should be good.

Anyways, better go. Oh yeh, we recorded me singing last night - Everybody Hurts... it's OK... I have to get used to it I think...

23.11.06 13:45, comment